Having a rough patch in my life right now.

My little sister who is just 24 is pregnant with her first baby. This baby has OI or osteogenesis imperfecta type II (which is fatal) or type III which is severe.  This is just breaking my heart; This baby will never get to do so many things that we take for granted everyday and my sister will have to watch her baby be in pain; often.  If I could do anything I would take this pain from her and deal with it myself.  But I can't.. Instead.. I make it worse for her.

I am pregnant

So now not only does my sister have to deal with her poor special needs baby but (probably) will see mine do all the things her can't.. and here I am with my fourth.

This was not planned, I am not sorry that I am having a 4th or worried about my severe hg (nausea the entire pregnancy) I am only upset and making my little sisters' life even one iota more upsetting.

I am coping with this by not telling a soul about my pregnancy; only husband and mother in law.  I know that I am just avoiding the inevitable; but I really don't know what else to do..

There might be some that say I am making a moutain out of a mole hill or whatever; but nothing can assuage my guilt, my pain, and my sorrow.

My little sister is/was my first baby; I was ten years old when she was born and immediately claimed her as my own;  I feel she saved my life when as a suicidal teenager she always brought sunlight to my life.  I have tried (in vain) to protect to her and give her a golden life because she is the most kindest person I have ever met.  The idea of me hurting her when she is already suffereing soo so much just makes me ill.

I am almost nine weeks pregnant and I feel so alone

Brian has been a great dear through all of this; not to say he hasn't even though he doesn't seem to understand why I would feel so bad, just agrees to keep this quiet as long as we can.

He always is so supportive during my pregnancies; I think he finds me more compliant when I am preggers *L*

WE do still practice most of the principles of a DD lifestyle; although the physical part is rarely sought out; but we have had a rough few years and we are just getting to a passage of mutual understanding, and peace :)

If anyone has a prayer for my sister; please send it along.

He is sick, but I am keepin' the faith

Right now we are at a distance; me downstairs, him upstairs.  He has the stomach flu and has spent his entire ten day vacation in bed;  I am feeling a bit distraught; down, and worried about him.


I did pretty good days 1-4, kept busy; did a lot of things with the children, worked devilishly hard on the house, by day 5 and 6; I was wearing down; lonely and seeking out the comfort and companionship with my sisters.

Today I just feel very distant from him; I know he wants me to go upstairs and hang with him; but he is playing a video game and I don't want to just sit there feeling frustrated and more alone.

I am going to stay here, downstairs and heck; maybe I'll clean the bathrooms or something.

Carmel Apples

My darling man and I are getting along famously; we're at such a good place and it is so calm and peaceful.  There hasn't been a lot of DD in the physical [my butt hurts because I just got spanked] sense, but we are living DD in that we have mutual love, respect and honor for each other.  I always 'could' get spanked if I get out of line, but I have learned that line through this year of becoming DD and all the trials that go along with such a big change in your life.

I have a bad habit of only posting when I am upset or things are not going well. I think it leads to false conclusions sometimes because so much of the time i am not doing well is very short lived and somehow perfectly timed with my "PMS"  and as such tend to disappear days after my other symptoms disappear.


I am so grateful that I did indeed get one of the good ones when I married; we only dated a few months an the chances that I could have gotten a lemon were pretty high. I did not get a lemon. I got a refreshing lemonade :) or an apple, or maybe a carmel apple that you lick and get all that gooey sweetness with just a little bit of nuts..  *grinning*  ha ha ha.. I just made a carmel apple 'dirty'  *LOL*






Where was i?  oh yeah.. I am in a place in my marriage where I feel safe; I dont' always behave in the manner that  I should, and he doesn't catch 'everything' but my NEED to please my man and bring him joy is with me; no matter how hapless I am.

My attitude (barring certain days of the month) is wonderful.  I wish sometimes that my deeds would catch up with me heart quicker then it is, but I am a work in progress and so is my carmel apple (YUM) I mean husband, (double yum)  Our marriage dynamic is different then some out there and perhaps there are similarities in other areas; but it works for us.

A year has gone by since I started this crazy ride and I am better for it, my husband is better for it, and my children are better for it; so I am glad for the growing pains because they have taken us to here. With each other:)

Pushing the limits (where is the respect?)

Believe you, me. I do try.  I try and I try to be respectful, remain respectful  and have respectful and submissive feelings day in and day out.  So why does this not translate into a perfectly respectful, submissive wife that my husbands deserves to have?

I do not know.  I know that I get all 'high and mighty' pretty dang quickly and often out of nowhere.  If I feel like I have been disrespected I have a tendency to do 'payback'  by showing him a lack of respect in a cold manner.

Today I was a little too exuberant with some news of the good nature and stepped on B.s' toes. He was angry on the phone and was screaming at me. SO I hung up.  This persistant man of mine called 19 times in about 40 minutes. I wasn't about to back down and answer the phone so I wrote him an email asking him to be nice and i would love to talk to him if hes' nice; so I call him and he is only nice for a moment before being grumpy again.  At this point I am a bit curfuddled.  As the news we received was good news and hsi reaction was not very great. I then thought about how he said he was under a tremendous amount of stress at work and thought about my not answering the phone game I had been playing so I went into my toy box oh' fun' and found humor.  So I left any email telling to him call me back as I had an idea of prolific porportions, when He finally answered the phone I pretended to be a sales person trying to get him to buy a ticket to forgiveness Carnival cruise ship; and if he could not afford such a hefty price that the truce was half off.   He went along with it and decided to spend his money on both the forgiveness cruise and the truce cruise so I knew we were off to a good start.

So that is one instance with a happy ending (hopefully)
but there are other times where we both  get mad at each other, i don't give in, he doesn't give in.  In the back of mind I am thinking hey, we have DD, why are we doing this to each other?    I thought DD was supposed to stop us acting like people that we aren't.

Sometimes it does.  Sometimes I have my head on straight or B. has again regaled to back to my position and I am smooth sailing; I am amazing and so wonderful if I do say so myself with all my 'yes sirs' and 'may I's'
I am a pro and I don't care who knows it.  Brian and me can't keep our hands off of each other and we are dancing (symbolically) in perfect unison.  Then a little thing happens.. A look perhaps that is taken in the wrong way(him),   an irritated eye roll (me)  the first few things of disrespect is so minute we do not even register it.  We are still the happy couple, but then I will start answering him slower, he will act more irritated with me, I respond in kind, we are two little patches of weather that if not tempered can turn into two nasty little storms collided right for each other.

I am aware that most of this is things that I am not doing right.

My need to push push push until I find his weakness probably stems from the feeling of 'the bottom falling out' that I have lived with since childhood.  I find that if you think your loved one will disappoint you; it will most assuredly make it so.    DD has been an uphill battle for us.  It has not been the smooth sailing that you hear about where you both fall in to your perfect rolls and the smooth sailing that is then their marriage.  The magic of DD and if your doing it 'right' then you would have the same magic


At our best we are a forceto be reckoned with, a comedy team and a love story, at our worst we are lethal.. To ourselves and to others.

I strive for more of 'our best' and less of 'our worse' but both extremes could be just hours apart on occasions.

I make it sound like we are a very dramatic couple and although we have dramatic moments it is the silence that is lethal.  the turning away from each other rather dealing with the sullenness,  the loneliness that can only be felt truly when two people are so close and so far away.

So without a doubt we have fallen off of the DD course.  I am not sure how to recover.

Hear ye Hear ye By proclamation of the queen

Henceforth and whenceforth there shall no more be punishment spankings.  This decree has been cried out by the town crier in every town in the kingdom. Disregarding the queens' new law will result in the judgment of death, dismemberment, and beheading.


Hear Ye Hear YE

The queen and her constituents still agree on 'good girl' spankings, cuddling, long walks on the beach, fondling, showering together, confidential talk, kissing, sex, and playfulness. If anyone in the kingdom hears of a disobedience to the new laws please  come forward to the queen herself so that the guilty party may no longer show such disregard for the queen and all of her princesses :)

Feel free to post this commandment on all walls available to get the message spread asap!