Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Having a rough patch in my life right now.

My little sister who is just 24 is pregnant with her first baby. This baby has OI or osteogenesis imperfecta type II (which is fatal) or type III which is severe.  This is just breaking my heart; This baby will never get to do so many things that we take for granted everyday and my sister will have to watch her baby be in pain; often.  If I could do anything I would take this pain from her and deal with it myself.  But I can't.. Instead.. I make it worse for her.

I am pregnant

So now not only does my sister have to deal with her poor special needs baby but (probably) will see mine do all the things her can't.. and here I am with my fourth.

This was not planned, I am not sorry that I am having a 4th or worried about my severe hg (nausea the entire pregnancy) I am only upset and making my little sisters' life even one iota more upsetting.

I am coping with this by not telling a soul about my pregnancy; only husband and mother in law.  I know that I am just avoiding the inevitable; but I really don't know what else to do..

There might be some that say I am making a moutain out of a mole hill or whatever; but nothing can assuage my guilt, my pain, and my sorrow.

My little sister is/was my first baby; I was ten years old when she was born and immediately claimed her as my own;  I feel she saved my life when as a suicidal teenager she always brought sunlight to my life.  I have tried (in vain) to protect to her and give her a golden life because she is the most kindest person I have ever met.  The idea of me hurting her when she is already suffereing soo so much just makes me ill.

I am almost nine weeks pregnant and I feel so alone

Brian has been a great dear through all of this; not to say he hasn't even though he doesn't seem to understand why I would feel so bad, just agrees to keep this quiet as long as we can.

He always is so supportive during my pregnancies; I think he finds me more compliant when I am preggers *L*

WE do still practice most of the principles of a DD lifestyle; although the physical part is rarely sought out; but we have had a rough few years and we are just getting to a passage of mutual understanding, and peace :)

If anyone has a prayer for my sister; please send it along.

6 comments:

  1. Lots of prayers for your sis...and hugs for you. I can understand how you are feeling, I am sure that you will find ways to be a comfort to your sister. abby

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  2. Oh this is heartbreaking. I can see what you are trying to do, protect her- but couldn't you possibly be more in step by sharing? I think trying to keep this secret might feel kind of "empty" before too long. Sisters are very in tune with one another and she might sense something between you.

    I will pray for wisdom for you, comfort for her, and the best possible out come for her sweet baby.

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  3. Prayers for all of you. I know this has to be hard on both of you.

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  4. I can understand how difficult it is for you and your sister. You are both in my prayers.

    FD

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  5. hi,
    I'll certainly pray for you and your sister.
    I don't know if this will be much comfort but I have a good friend (her husband and mine are best friends since high school) and a few years ago we were preggers at the same time. In fact we had the same due date. I was pregnant with twin boys and her expecting a boy. at about 20 1/2 weeks gestation my water broke and I lost both my sons. I know that she carried so much guilt and so much hurt that her son lived and I lost mine ... and she has shared with me how difficult it was for her ... she didn't even want to mention him ... never invite us to his birthday parties for fear that it was going to remind us of the boys.... But having been on the other end of it, I can truly say NOT ONCE did I ever have any feelings of resentment, anger , or jealousy towards her.
    I really think just the fact that you're sensitive to the issue is enough. And if your sister is as loving and kind as you know her to be then I'm sure she'll love you despite. I'll be praying for you... good luck

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I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments:)